


Show Me How to Love

by Quinnion



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, M/M, Missing Scene, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Violence, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 15:56:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17046551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quinnion/pseuds/Quinnion
Summary: More often than not, Eiji hears the heartbreaking sounds of Ash’s nightmares but he can't bring himself to do anything about it. This is not one of those nights. Eiji comforts Ash after a nightmare and they have a heart-to-heart. Eiji doesn't know how to react when Ash insists they sleep together.





	Show Me How to Love

**Author's Note:**

> I've been following Banana Fish since the fifth episode or so and I've gotten super into it. I have been really busy so it took me a uhhh embarrassing amount of time to write this. Hope you guys like it!

More often than not, Eiji hears the heartbreaking sounds of Ash’s nightmares, the sheets rustling with the jerking of his legs and the muffled sniffles and hiccups of his sobs. Ejii always keeps his back to Ash, pretending to sleep while the other pants hard, recovering from a nightmare, and slips out of bed. He doesn’t sleep until Ash returns to bed, worry keeping him up. This is not one of those nights. 

Eiji is already awake when Ash lets out a scream. He spent the last half hour listening to his whimpers and soft crying when he slept. Something finally woke Ash up and he shot straight up in his bed, a sudden shrill scream causing Eiji to jolt and grip the sheets tightly. He turns his head slowly and watches Ash through the darkness, the younger boy holding his head in his hands, his hair hanging over his face, as he struggles to contain his sobs. 

Eventually, Ash pushes the covers off his lower half and stands up, wandering over to the window. He grips the railing tight and hunches over; Eiji can tell he’s still crying from his shaking shoulders. He can’t listen any longer and rolls out of bed, the sound of the sheets shifting and the padding of his feet on the hardwood floor go unnoticed by Ash.

Eiji doesn’t want to startle him, resisting the urge to touch him, and simply stands by his side, “Ash,” he whispers tenderly. The other still jolts and lifts his head up, moonlight reflecting off his tears.

“O-oh, Eiji,” he replies, his voice hoarse, as he quickly wipes his cheeks, “I’m sorry if I woke you.” He sniffles and turns back to face the window, his arms still shaking.

“You didn’t,” Eiji says reassuringly, “I was already awake. I was just worried about you.”

Ash chuckles darkly, “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Yes I do,” Eiji says firmly, “You deserve to have someone worry about you.” He hesitates before putting his hand on his shoulder, rubbing ever so slightly.

Ash’s brows furrow at that and he looks at him in shock. Doubt comes quickly and he shakes his head, looking away again as he shrugs Eji’s hand off, “You don’t know what I deserve.” 

Eiji’s rubbing stops momentarily before he continues, moving his hand to his back, “I’ve known you long enough to know you’re a good person stuck in a bad situation and you do what you need to to survive.”

“You don’t know even half of what I’ve done!” Ash snaps out of nowhere, slapping Eiji’s hand away and stepping back, his eyes wide with fear, “You don’t know what’s been done to me!”

“Ash, it’s not you f-” Eiji starts, raising his hands cautiously.

“Shut the fuck up!” Ash yells out in his panic, his whole body shaking, “You don’t understand! I’ve killed countless people! I’ve been made dirty and filth and used!” 

Eiji knows the outburst isn’t meant to harm him but he still can’t help feel hurt, his brows knitting together. Ash lets out a painful sob and slouches over, his head in his hands, “Then help me understand. I want to understand,” Eiji whispers.

Ash shakes his head and digs his fingers into his hair, piercing his scalp with his nails, “N-no you’re...you’re too good. You’re too good of a person for me. I’m a monster.”

A deep frown on his face, Eiji takes Ash by his shoulders and pulls him up into a hug, his body limp against his, “Just because you’ve done bad things doesn’t make you a bad person. The fact that you feel guilty means you are a good person.”

Eiji pauses to wait for a response but doesn’t get one, the only sound in the room are Ash’s ugly sobs, “I’m here for you. If you want to talk about it and help me understand,” he whispers, the two of them close enough for him to hear. 

Ash nods slowly against his chest and grips Eiji’s night shirt hard, his tears and snot soaking the fabric but the other doesn’t mind. Eiji continues rubbing his back soothingly and starts to sway their bodies from side to side, giving Ash all the time he needs.

Cold seeps in through the windows but their body heat keeps them warm, crickets singing sadly out in the dark. Neither of them are sure how much time passes until Ash takes a deep breath and starts to talk. “I hate their hands. I can still feel them,” he croaks, “I-I’m a fucking toilet and they’ve ruined me. It’s all I’m good for now. All I know how to do.”

Eiji’s arms tighten around the younger man and he swallows thickly, “You are so much more than that. Don’t let them get to you.”

Resting his head on Eiji’s shoulder, Ash lets out an ugly snort, “You’ve known me long enough to see it’s my solution to everything. Sell my body to get information. Take a dick up my ass to keep myself safe. Trade blowjobs for money and guns,” he spits out, “I’ve never even-!” His yell dies down suddenly and he shakes his head.

“Never even what?” Eiji presses, forcing Ash’s limp head up and holding it in place so he’s facing him, ignoring how red his face is and the dried tears. 

Ash presses his lips into a thin line and glances down in shame, “Never had sex with someone I liked. Never made love. Whatever you want to call it,” he mumbles, letting out a deep sigh.

Eiji looks at him sadly and rubs his cheek with his thumb tenderly, “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I haven’t really either,” he confesses.

“What?! Really?” Ash exclaims, “But you’re-” _so handsome and kind and perfect._ “I didn’t expect that,” he says and Eiji chuckles. Ash sighs, “I’ve accepted I probably never will.”

Without hesitation, Eiji shakes his head, “You don’t know that. You still have time and you’re young. You’ll...find the right person,” he forces out his words, knowing now is not the time for his feelings. Not that there ever is a time. 

“Do it with me.”

Eiji’s eyes widen and he’s sure he heard the other wrong, “W-what?”

Firmly planting his hands on Eiji’s shoulders, Ash looks at him with a determination only he has, “Have sex with me. I want to do it with someone I actually care about,” he decides, taking Eiji’s hands and placing them low on his hips before pressing closer.

Eiji is beyond flustered and sputters, “We can’t-! This isn’t a good time, not right now. You’re too..”

Ash frowns and keeps the other’s hands on his hips, “Too what? Too dirty? Too damaged? Too used?!” he snaps. 

Realizing his mistake, a lump forms in Eiji’s throat, “N-no, I didn’t meant it like that.” Ash cocks his brow and silently urges him to explain. “You’re not...in a good place right now,” Eiji sighs, “Not that you ever really are. But I don’t want you to make this decision because you feel like you’re missing out or you want to make up for what’s happened to you.” 

Eiji meets Ash’s eyes, his gaze softening, “I want you to make this decision because you love me and want to experience this with me. And I want...to take this slow.”

Ash nibbles on the inside of his cheek and nods slowly, letting go of Eiji’s hands although they stay on his waist, “I understand. And I want that too. To go slow. It sounds nice,” he whispers, “I guess I just don’t know how.”

“Let me show you?” Eiji suggests with a gentle smile. Ash nods and lets Eiji take his hand and lead him back to his bed, sitting on the edge next to him. 

Eiji places his hands on Ash’s slender shoulders and traces his collarbones through his thin shirt, moving one hand up to cup his face. He thanks God that his fingers aren’t trembling and his hand is steady. Eiji rubs his thumb over his jaw and along the side of his face, running his fingers through his hair.

“What are you doing?” Ash asks purely out of curiously.

Eiji’s hand freezes on his face, “I’m touching you,” he replies, “Is that okay?”

“Yeah. It’s nice.” With that, Eiji continues caressing his cheek and moving down and around his neck, down to his shoulder and up again. He feels Ash relax under his touch and his breathing slows down.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?” 

Ash’s eyes, which he didn’t even realize were closed, open and he nods, “I would like that,” he smiles. He watches Eiji as he takes a slow breath and lean forward, closing his eyes when he’s a few inches away. The moment he feels their lips touch, he melts into the kiss, bringing his hands up to hold Eiji’s waist.

If there is heat behind the kiss, they both ignore it and allow themselves to enjoy the closeness and learn how to move their lips together. Eiji takes the lead, realizing quickly Ash doesn’t really know how to kiss properly. He tries his best not to think of his past kisses, pushing away thoughts of too much tongue and teeth, rough hands gripping a soft face, and breath that stinks of alcohol and cigarettes. 

Eiji tastes sweet, Ash decides. He copies his movements, tilting his head slightly so their noses line up, and inches closer until he can intertwine their legs. He allows his hands to wander over Eiji’s body, the other leaning into the touch, and explores his chest and back. 

Neither of them are sure how long they were kissing when they pull away but it’s raining when they do. Water hits the window and drips down the glass. They let whatever arousal that built up to fade away. Ash smiles.

“I really liked that,” he says happily, absentmindedly rubbing Eiji’s sides, “Can we do that again...sometime?” 

Eiji giggles and nods, “Of course. We should go back to sleep,” he adds. The bags under Ash’s eyes are obvious even through the faint light of the moon.

Ash lets out a long sigh and nods, “I guess. Stay in my bed?”

Eiji nods and together they crawl under the covers. Ash scoots down the bed a bit so he can rest his head on the other’s chest. Eiji immediately wraps his arms around him and hooks his leg over his hip, holding him close. Their breathing slow and their hearts sync up, beating as one. 

“Eiji.”

“Yes?”

“What if I decided I don’t want to have sex? That I can’t because-” he falls silent, “What if I only wanted to kiss and that’s it?

Eiji’s hold on Ash tightens and he combs his fingers through his hair, “That’s okay. I don’t expect anything from you.” Ash nods slowly and buries his face in the crook of Eiji’s shoulder.

“Thank you.”

“Of course.” A few minutes go by. “I love you, Ash.”

“I love you too, Eiji.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a kudos if you enjoyed it and comment too if you want!
> 
> I do take requests/commissions; contact me on my [ tumblr ](http://being-gay-on-ice.tumblr.com/) or leave a comment on this fic!


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